Practically Drowning

The Writers Strike Haunts TV

2008-10-07T09:59:00.003-05:00

With the rumblings of a new actors strike, tumbling ratings and falling ad prices, I thought it interesting to do an analysis of what we learned from the writers strike. Just click on the link to find the piece. What are your thoughts?

Bob

Social Network Marketing Just Got Cooler

2008-07-17T09:51:00.005-05:00

I like to hear stories like this!

An acquaintance of mine (and also soon-to-be guest on The BeanCast, my weekly podcast), Scott Monty, has just started a position at Ford heading up Social Network Marketing.

The cool thing is that this is not just filling a position, but is a clear mandate from the company. They've hired one of the leading experts in this arena and are clearly willing to listen. While a lot of companies are exploring this medium, Ford's hiring of Scott shows that perhaps they are willing to take more of a risk than most.

As I said in my Blog on The BeanCast Network, he definitely has his work cut out for him. I mean, it's Ford after all! It's not like one of the big three is going to admit overnight that they need to rethink everything they're doing in their marketing! But if he can make an impression there, the fallout for the rest of us marketers will be huge.

Success for Scott, means big-time coverage, which in turn will inspire the rest of our clients to actually consider the social networking space in a much more targeted, realistic and enthusiastic way. That's good for business, good for results and good for the creative opportunities.

So wish him the best.

Bob

My Latest Podcast Was a Blast

2008-06-29T23:42:00.002-05:00

Did you ever get that feeling you were hitting your stride?

That's how I feel about this latest show.

Everything just clicked. There was so much chemistry, we had fun right from the beginning and we had lots of heated discussion with good humor intact. Exactly the type of show I've been shooting to have every week. And I feel like there's many more where that came from.

Give it a listen if you get a chance. I'd love to hear some feedback.

Bob

More WGA Shenanigans

2008-06-27T11:00:00.003-05:00

Okay, is the WGA (Writers Guild of America) about money or art. They really can't have it both ways.

After all that strike business about wanting more money and guaranteed payment for every piece of crap (as well as wonderful work) they turn out, now they complain that product placements are ruining their "art" and want an on-screen crawler to disclose whenever they are "forced" to insert a brand into their script.

Please!

I blogged about this here, so I won't repeat myself, but for goodness sakes! There are much more creative options to this problem then a little note that says, "They made me do this." If you really stood for artistic integrity, you could maybe...I don't know...quit! Or embrace it as the means-to-a-paycheck that it is and just do something interesting with the problem. Jerry had his Snapple, after all.

Bob

Plowed Through Sick And Still A Great Podcast!!!

2008-06-22T22:50:00.004-05:00

Yes, I managed to get another podcast out this week. And it is much better than I expected. I'm sick. No news. And we still managed to fill an hour with little trouble.

But I have to wonder if trouble doesn't brew on the horizon. My wife started wondering (in that irritated way wifes wonder) whether I needed to do this EVERY week. Not a good sign.

That aside, though, I'm having a great time with this. It's very satisfying to get that show posted and ready for download. Now I just need to build more audience numbers.

Or get an audience report at all. (The function has been down at our hosting site for a few weeks.)

What else to tell you all...

Picked up Metal Gear Solid 4. And MY GOODNESS what an extremely great game! It's the closest thing to true interactive cinema I've ever come across. The clips are good. The game play is good. But together they are extraordinary. There's simply no explaining the intensely immersive nature of this game. You just have to experience it to understand.

That's it from me. Off to bed late again. At least it's not 3am like many podcast nights.

Bob

Boy! I've Been Busy Blogging!

2008-06-20T14:50:00.002-05:00

Between the podcast and the blog at The BeanCast Network, I've been a busy camper. Then throw in a quick jaunt to Boston to present at a conference and things really got interesting!

Business has been good and the leads keep coming. I know I shouldn't be surprised, considering all the above I just mentioned, but it is still a surprise to me that I've been so successful, so quickly. People always told me it takes sometimes years to reach profitability when starting a business. But I'm already thinking about expansion sometime early next year.

So good things all around. Now all I need is one of 'dem fancy new iPhones and life will be complete. ;-)

Bob

New iPhone Has The Power of God

2008-06-07T09:10:00.002-05:00

The folks at indymogul.com came up with a real winner. Check out this video I posted at The BeanCast Network. And have a good laugh while waiting in line for this devine new device this coming Monday.

Bob

Contemplating In-Game Advertising

2008-06-03T09:36:00.004-05:00

First of all, I was gratified by the responses to my last post. I had no idea that my blog was even read here! I love the title as well and I'll probably do a little more cross posting in the future.

Which is what I have here!

The original posting in on The BeanCast™ Network but I'm posting here as well, since this subject is so interesting to me.

Enjoy

==

The discussion on this past week's show about in-game ads has really got me thinking. In particular, the suggestion by John Wall about how game producers could possibly (or already) track impressions within a game is completely fascinating to me.

Why is this important?

The ability to track impressions — or better yet, response — moves in-game ads from a simple branding proposition into the territory of quantifiable marketing. Imagine how valuable this would be for game producers and advertisers alike to be able to say, "30,000 players drove past your billboard about 3,000 times each in this game."

And it would be so easy to implement!

All of the next-gen consoles are Internet networked for online play already and these connected consoles are already grabbing updates and feeding data back to the producers. Same with most computer games. It would be so easy to take it one step further.

But more importantly, it's a form of advertising that seems to be completely acceptable to players. We live in a world full of advertising, so gamers accept ads as part of the realism trying to be created in the game. A recent report by Massive reveals that gamers consistently have a positive impression of in-game ads. (Okay, Massive has a vested interest in making this stuff seem appealing, but still...) And positive acceptance (rather than interruption) makes the ads that much more effective.

So marry tracking with positive impressions and strong recall and in-game advertising becomes probably the most appealing medium for ads that's currently out there.

Now, a dose of reality here. In-game ads are not for every brand and certainly not every brand can be in every game. Putting car ads (or even featuring cars) in a game like Burnout is probably counter productive for the brand. But the Geico "billboards" are perfectly suited to the game's (how shall we say) "destructive" focus. And in spite of the limitations, I believe more and more brands are going to find venues in which to showcase their products and services in this arena.

There's absolutely no reason that the dog food in Nintendogs should be generic. There's nothing wrong with adding a dose of realism with an offering of Purina or Iams. And don't get me start on the possibilities with The Sims! Just about every household product can find a home.

Obviously this can be taken too far. While Burger King scored a success with an entire line of XBOX 360 games featuring their mascot, Ford flopped with a TERRIBLE racer. And I think that's where the line is. A game's success rests on the factors of gameplay. The focus needs to be on the consumer and their enjoyment. Ads are completely acceptable in this context. But if the ads (or ad premise) gets in the way of the gamer's enjoyment, then everyone loses. The temptation to pack ads into a game will definitely be there. But as long as the game industry judiciously manages the inevitable greed, game ads will continue to flourish and be a premium addition to the marketing arsenal.

Bob

Does Anyone Read This Blog?

2008-06-02T09:13:00.003-05:00

I think with all my concentration on my other blog at www.beancast.us, I can't imagine anyone is. But I post here anyway. Maybe it will take off.

Got another show up. It's so much fun and very gratifying to be back in "broadcasting." I love talking into a big condenser mic and chatting it up with people I respect. If I can do this for years to come I will be happy.

And the quality of my guests keeps going up. I hope you all enjoy...all one of you reading. ;)

Bob

MacBook Touch????

2008-05-23T11:05:00.002-05:00

I wrote about this on The BeanCast Network. And at first I was highly skeptical. But the more I thought about it and the more I wrote, the more I became a believer.

I would have never envisioned myself as caring about a tablet PC. But Apple may actually be onto something here.

Read the blog post here and feel free to comment.

Bob

Can Caffeine Kill? Only After Drowning In It

2008-05-01T00:31:00.002-05:00

Just a quick post about my article on The BeanCast site.

I was tooling around StumbleUpon and came across the great site, Death By Caffeine. So check out my article to find out what it would take to kill me and then take the test yourself.

Bob

Is This Really Mobile's Year

2008-04-19T21:53:00.001-05:00

One of the topics for this week's show will be why so many people feel that "this is mobile's year."

To begin with, I kind of get it. As we discussed on last week's show, teens and 20s think of email as a thing of the past. Mobile texting is the way to communicate. There's no doubt that this is the platform of the future. Plus with the advent of cooler and cooler devices with more and more horsepower, the platforms are finally rising to meet the challenge of delivering the content.

But to say that "this is the year," still seems a bit premature to me.

First, there is the key word above: "Platform'S'," with a heavy emphasis on the plural.

For all that there are challenges delivering messages via email, it's still relatively standardized. It may not always display perfectly in every client and on every system, but you're relatively certain that your message at least has a chance to hit your target audience with relatively little lead time.

Mobile, however, is still highly fragmented depending on the hardware. And for all the rage about getting the latest phones, there is still a LOT of legacy equipment out there. While initiatives like Google's Android and the juggernaut that is the iPhone are hopefully easing that pain, it seems a bit ambitious to say that either platform will make enough headway to make mobile's star rise into ubiquity this year.

Second, and more importantly, the heavy users of the platform are probably the most skeptical of both advertising in general and mobile marketing in-particular.

While there will undoubtedly be some break-through campaigns in the mobile space this year, I would predict that the majority of the efforts will be the usual round of ham-fisted, first-attempts that usually flow out off agencies during the seminal stages of any emerging media. Even if a lot of work is done this year, it will do more to set back the cause of the medium than to advance it, as the primary users become increasingly disgusted by the interruptions of ill-considered promotions.

Finally, we have to follow the money. Young people are big spenders, but they are not the most profitable audience. That audience still skews a little higher. And while the 30-50 crowd are adopting the technology, they aren't completely shaped by it. Until mobile reaches these broadened segments, it really can't come into its own.

Please don't get me wrong: mobile is important and MUST be considered for promotional campaigns going forward. I simply believe that we're still at least a year off from reaching the heights being predicted in the press today.

It should be an interesting conversation this week. I know I'm looking forward to it. And I'd love to continue the conversation here. If you have a thought, please post about it.

Bob

Why Such Union "Bashing?"

2007-11-09T11:50:00.000-05:00

The questions are flying in regards to my podcasting blog post. "Why such antagonism toward the writers?" "Why the union bashing?"

I thought I'd take the opportunity to clear up a few things and expand on a conversation thread I've started over at the Video Game Outsiders forum page.

To start, let me say unequivocally that writers deserve compensation for their work. They deserve a cut of DVD sales and online media. My point was and is that they don't need a collective bargaining agreement to get it.

This doesn't make me "anti-union" as a whole either. What I have been writing about is a specific type of union. It is entertainment unions that have earned my skepticism.

White-collar unions (and let's face it, actors, writers and directors are not your typical blue-collar fare) are a joke. They are unions designed to give people the right to potentially earn millions. What's more, these are freelance unions, since most members are not "employed" in the traditional sense by entertainment companies. People just move from project to project. So these unions give people the benefits of an entrepreneurial lifestyle while mitigating the risks associated with such a choice.

But that aside, I'm not taking it out on writers in particular. I write for a living myself. But I also realize that once I sell something, it is sold. Once I negotiate my contract for payment, it is negotiated and done. And if I negotiate a bad deal, then shame on me.

Let's face it: The more established writers could be getting a cut on their own terms anyway. The studios would be willing to pay out more to an established writer. It's always about the risk/benefit ratio.

The trouble is that when you guarantee such payments to everyone, as a business you are not offsetting your potential losses on the plethora of material that fails each year. Sure, the Lost DVDs flew off the shelves, but the Caveman stuff is going straight to hell. While the studios will make a boatload on Lost, they have to offset the risks they took on dozens of tankers this year. (And man! Does ABC ever have some tankers!)

I'm not saying writers aren't getting a raw deal currently, but to expect that you can collectively guarantee a set percentage of revenue overlooks the tremendous risk such an agreement imposes on a company. If one year everything on the schedule fails, you're still forced to pay out money you no longer have. It actually serves to inhibit the taking of risks and reduces creativity. If I know I HAVE to make "x" amount in revenue, I certainly don't want to risk anything on "y."

Writers would do much better for themselves if they were freed up to negotiate their own compensation agreements for each project. That's called capitalism and it works, last time I checked...not perfectly, but far better than the more socialized approaches we are witnessing.

True artists have never been guaranteed their wages. They worked out of passion for their craft. A few became successful along the way. Most did not. That's the way it works.

I'm all for patronizing the arts. (That's why I am so pro-podcasting). But not when confronted with the business end of a big stick. And let's be completely honest. It's the consumer that's ultimately being confronted here. Because we are the ones who will have to pay the increased prices collective bargaining always seems to generate.

Can Podcasters Revolt While Writers Strike?

2007-11-07T10:09:00.000-05:00

Is the writer's strike the opportunity podcasters have been waiting for?

I make no attempt to hide it. I'm pretty antagonistic toward entertainment industry unions. What was once a good idea for kids being forced to work in turn-of-the-century factories, is now being used to enable far too many people with mediocre talent to live a dream they have no right to be living.

Let's face it: Most of the stuff generated by the Hollywood machine is simply crap. And if the entertainment managers would just concentrate on producing good stuff, the true talents would make more money because they would be more in demand, the mediocre talent would fade away and we wouldn't be having this strike problem.

We have to be honest here. This strike is not about true talent getting their fair share. It's about mediocre and bad talent making sure they can supplement their job waiting tables. And if the dead weight were simply cut lose, the truly talented writers wouldn't have any complaints.

Now before I get off on a rant about actors thinking they are more important than animators (like with the Simpson's fiasco) and the whole thing regarding royalties for commercials (which is total B.S.), this could be the best thing that ever happened to podcasters.

After all, podcasting is the embodiment of the true entrepreneurial spirit. There are no union rules to follow. There are no crazy demands to strike "for the sake of your union brethren." People podcast (and that includes video podcasts) because they are passionate about their subject and they think that they may be able to make money doing it. That's all they need.

Sure the money isn't great, but they have a dream and they are willing to work for it.

Let me reiterate...THEY ARE WILLING TO WORK FOR IT...NOT QUIBBLE AND NEGOTIATE FOR IT.

I think it's time for America to get a clue. The writer's strike is not about "worker's rights." It's about parasites wanting to suck more from the entertainment beast. And this whole process continues to stifle creativity and dampen the entrepreneurial spirit.

They say they want their, "fair share from new media opportunities," and that they don't want their work "exploited for profit" by unfair agreements. But what they are really doing is keeping themselves from fully exploring this scary new media world with their own innovative ideas. After all, if they really saw the potential of new media they would understand they could bypass the bargaining table completely and go into business for themselves.

Basically the strike keeps writers from having to put their own skin in the game and try for a better model. They just see media companies — big and small — taking all the risks, reaping rewards from those risks and now they want a piece of that pie without taking any risk themselves.

If we believe in the entrepreneurial spirit of this country, it's time to support the individuals who are taking risks to make the entertainment industry better. That doesn't mean ignore what happens in the L.A. basin and not watch traditional forms of entertainments. A lot of good stuff still comes out of there, after all. But it does mean that if you want a more vibrant new media landscape you as a media consumer need to support the people who are doing something to change it.

So this is our opportunity. Ignore the unionized writers. Call B.S. on them and cancel your cable for a few months when the strike hits January. (There will be nothing on anyway.) Then send your cable bill money to your favorite podcast instead. Let's create a new business model that rewards innovators and flushes out the parasites from the system.

Viva la podcasting!

Why Poetry?

2007-01-22T23:53:00.000-05:00

Okay. Out of the depths I arise with new blog posts and I choose...poetry?

Even I'm a bit perplexed by my sudden interest in the poetic again. I have literally not written a line of poetry (save for one poem as part of a wine drinking contest that I really shouldn't go into here) since college.

Perhaps love? Perhaps the absence of said love? Perhaps my struggles with mortality?

I could go with any of these cliches. And I would probably be truthful. But my motivations run far deeper. And believe me, I know all about hiding the truth behind the careful application of partial truths.

So why poetry?

Perhaps if we call them "riddles" we'll get closer to the truth. Because my true motivation for turning to poetry is not to deliver noble insights, but to wrap my feelings in poetic riddles, fearful of how their prose counterparts might be perceived. Speaking plainly would be too obvious and expose far too much. So instead I craft carefully worded puzzles for you all to unpack.

Not so romantic when it's put like that.

In fact, there are some poems I fear even to let you unpack, so they stay safely here on my hard drive, rather than yours. Maybe someday I'll let you see them. But not today.

So poetry. Such a beautiful artform. But in unpacking these feelings I have to wonder, is this the true motivation of every poet? If so, it seems that the greatest poetry is still that which is made clear to another person, without fear...which really is no poem at all. It's just honesty.

Is Beauty Fleeting

2007-01-22T23:40:00.000-05:00

Is beauty fleeting?
I think that it's not.
It burrows down deep
To escape from the rot
Of this endless malaise,
This marching of days,
And reveals itself under
A shallow shell plundered
Of youth and of grace,
Content in it's place
Beneath all that means nothing,
Beneath all that deceives,
Revealed in sweet moments
When its truth is perceived.

So, is beauty lasting?
It certainly is.
It shines from within
And is thankfully his
Who has wisdom to see
The joy that proceeds
From grace now unfettered,
From flesh so unsettled
In age and disease,
Content and at ease
Within the truth that it holds,
Within the care it reveals,
Ready and willing
To be called on to heal.

The Darkest Day of the Year

2007-01-22T23:39:00.001-05:00

Long the road that leads me here,
To the darkest day of the year.
Every step a grayer journey
I'd sooner never make.
But though the days grew dim,
Leaving hopes now faded thin,
Every day that proceeds from here
Has brightness none can take.

Of A Pink Butterfly

2007-01-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

Flitter, flutter,
Float about.
Weaving in
Then fly and shout
With joy of life
So free of strife,
Alive with love,
No fear nor doubt.

Pitter, patter,
Prance today.
Twisting, turn,
Then pirouette
To grab an arm
And swing from harm
In my embrace
Content to stay.

Twitter, Tatter,
Sing a song.
Joyful notes
That don't belong
To earth's dark hold.
So young and bold,
So free of hurt,
So free of wrong.

Struggle, snuggle,
Which to choose?
Fleeting rest
Then breaking loose
To dance again,
Spin while she can,
For summer's joy
Does end too soon.

The Meaning of Repentance

2006-01-10T17:48:00.000-05:00

The word "repent" is so tied to negative stereotypes. Just hearing the word conjures images of the nut on the street corner shouting out that the end of the world is near and that the rest of us are all going to hell.

But yet, I know there's so much more meaning behind this word than to simply make us feel bad about our wicked ways.

The word does not even mean "to feel sorry." Sorry isn't even part of it. We may feel sorry for our wrong actions and that may lead to repentance, but repentance itself calls only for action. It doesn't ask us to feel bad. It asks us to turn away from that which is bad. It asks us to leave behind our previous ways.

But there's even more to the story. Because turning away from the bad is never enough. After all, turning away leaves a vacuum. We're cutting out a part of our life — sometimes a huge part. And when we cut, we leave a wound — sometimes a painful wound — that aches to be soothed and filled.

So what do we fill it with?

Well the most natural desire is to fill it with the sin that seemingly "satisfied" us so much before. It seems logical. No matter our pain, it's nothing compared to the pain of our soul surgery and the loss it brings. Why not just re-embrace the sin and ease the pain.

There is great truth in the statement, "Nature abhors a vacuum." Simply removing a sin from our life is not enough. Because it doesn't replace the sin with healing. In fact, it's nothing more than another show of our own willpower. It's us try to heal ourselves, when all we have are the tools of our own torture. and the only result there can be is a return of the sin, rushing in to fill the space it vacated.

So repentance is not just a call to turn away. It's also our call to turn toward something better. It's our call to embrace healing and truth. It's our invitation to peace.

"Repent" is so associated with the sin itself, but the truth couldn't be further from the truth. To repent is not just about ending a sin. It's really about embracing something beyond ourselves and basking in the love, joy and peace we find there.

Do You See?

2005-12-20T12:01:00.000-05:00

I've been contemplating today that there is a core of faith that all peoples, no matter what their religion, share.

And before you start reading too much into that statement, let me say, unequivocably, that no, I'm not being universalist here. This is something deeper — much deeper than a mere watered-down gospel would ever allow.

What I'm talking about are those passages in the Bible that claim an inherent understanding of God at the very core of all things — that the very rocks would testify if they could, presumably because they are unecumbered by "reason" and are not distracted by doubts. Rocks don't know doubt. They know only the truth.

So if the rocks have this basic truth in their nature, we can assume that so too would man, clouded as that truth is by doubt. And it would explain so much as to why all religions and philosophy are so obsessed with the balance between good and evil — the infinite and the finite.

Yin and Yang, ego and id, man and superman — both ancient and modern minds have sought to bring balance to the chaos. We try desperately to bring meaning to life.

But it seemed to me today that there is more to the story of this never-ending struggle of man's. What if all this is not just the petulant and desperate cries of the weak seeking justification by creating meaning in a "God" or philosophical understanding? What if, instead, we are simply expressing the basest nature of our souls? What if our desire to cry out to something greater than ourselves is such a fundamental part of us, that we can't help but seek, even if in the seeking we are led astray?

You have to admit that it does seem odd that so many people groups, from such diverse tribal ancestry, should all be obsessed with the concept of balance between opposites. It's really uncanny when you think about it. You have to wonder what's behind it all. And you also have to wonder why no one has been able to swing the equation too far to one side for very long, without the opposite side bringing things back into balance again.

I guess that why the story of Jesus is so powerful and so confusing at the same time. Confusing, because it seems on the surface to be just another human attempt to balance the equation. Yet powerful, because it's the only story that not only balances the equation, but also offers a compelling story of something transcending it.

In an odd way it makes so much sense. If our nature is to search for that balance and understanding, it seems to me that the perfect approach to helping man get the point is to give him a battle between good and evil to attract his attention.

But it doesn't stop there, though. Because in this story, in order to set it apart from the human creations that went before it and have been spun since it, the victor in God's story transcends our the human need for balance and comes out as something unbeholden to that balance. Jesus takes away our need to answer to a justly balanced universe, pays the price set on all sin, then defeats even the powerful evil foe by remain unshackled by the death demanded as a price. It's simply unheard of! It completely confounds the logic of a balanced world that we try so hard to establish in our lives.

Some would call the similarities among religions to be a reason for doubting the veracity of any single religion. But it's seeming to me today that maybe the similarities are simply a framework in which to emphasize the differences between answers provided by man and those crafted by a Creator.

Definitely worth thinking about.

A Sense of Loss

2005-12-14T00:08:00.000-05:00

It's never an easy thing to realize that maybe you aren't as talented as you thought. But the more difficult thing to respond to is the need to lay down your talent as a mere distraction from your real purpose.

I'm facing this a bit in my own life of late, mostly in terms of music. And I have to admit that coming to terms with my situation has been particularly painful.

A part of me has always fantasized that my music would lead to a life of performing. I've never actually tried to pursue this dream, of course. But in spite of myself, just the opportunity to perform inspires endless visions of touring and being recognized.

The fantasy absolutely contains a certain amount of arrogance, as well. I find myself measuring myself against other performers, with myself always coming out on top. It's like I can't enjoy the talents of others. I always feel like I'm the one who should be up there playing and singing and being seen.

I guess that's why when moments like this past Friday come along, I feel so crushed. Because when reality and fantasy come face to face, I find myself confronted with the fact that perhaps I need to move on and leave whimsy behind.

As I took the stage at the church coffehouse, I was filled with my pride. I was so certain that I could deliver a performance at least as rich as the woman who preceded me, and command the room with my presence. It never occurred to me that I could deliver anything less than perfection.

Yet right from the beginning I was plagued by difficulty. First the battery in my guitar died, which in and of itself I should have taken as a sign, seeing as I had been called so far away from performing that I didn't even remember that I had a five-year-old battery in my instrument. Then after I worked out that difficulty, I begin playing and did very well at first. But by the time I finished, I found myself barely able to sing, largely because I had drunk too much coffee. And by the time I finished, I basically slunk off knowing that I was no where near as good as the others in the room.

Was I being too hard on myself? Perhaps. People liked what I did and complimented me, after all. So I couldn't have been as horrible as I thought I was. But still, it irked me to realize that I wasn't as good as a professional. I wanted desperately to find my way back to the stage and to somehow redeem myself. And it took all of myself to fight off the urge and walk away unfulfilled.

That walking away part was just terrible for me. I felt incomplete and adrift. And in that moment I was forced to contemplate the fact that maybe all this was a sign. Maybe this awful feeling was a clear communication that I should turn away from such things — that anything that left me feeling so wretched was not good for my soul.

But it's so hard to accept. I simply don't want to make another sacrifice in my life. It cuts to the heart of one of my core issues with faith these days. I feel like my faith has led me to too much sacrifice and compromise already.

I put up with pain and sorrow and submission out of belief that God's hand is guiding me to some greater understanding. But what if it's not the case? What if it isn't true and there is no benevolent Creator? Then all my self-sacrifice has meant nothing.

And so I wrestle. And wonder when the losses will end and the joy will return. And whether that end will be in God's arms, or somewhere else. I wish I knew.

Emanuelle

2005-12-08T20:22:00.000-05:00

God with us.

What a thought! What a challenging thought.

Christmas time is always filled with sermons about this most basic of concepts for Christians. Because at the heart of our faith is a very simple idea. Emanuelle. That we have a God who would love us so much that he would actually come and dwell with us, in all our squallor and pain.

And as the Christmas season rolls around again and I am confronted once more with this message, I'm a bit saddened by the fact that I still can't blindly accept this core tennent.

I admit that I feel a bit like a man who comes home for an annual visit with his family, only to find that everyone has packed and moved away with no forwarding address. It's making me think long and hard about what I believe.

Let's face facts: What's the point of believing in God if I can't have this ideal. What's the use of having a God who's just "out there?" It does nothing for me. It gives me no real solace. It gives me no real connection. It only serves to provide, at best, a rudimentary semblance of reason to the chaos, and really, when you think about it, science already does this job quite well without all the baggage.

But "God with us?" That's a whole 'nother story. That's where the rubber meets the pavement and faith really starts to take me places. Because Emanuelle isn't just an ideal or a reason for being or even a comforting story to chase away the fear of death. No, the idea of God with us is a personal connection to the Creator of all things, and an invitation into a familial relationship with him. It's the act of a lover who pursues his bride, no matter what the cost to Himself, just for a chance to know her - to know me.

There is simply no comparing this sort of faith with any of the watered-down versions of Christianity. Because if God is not personally involved and physically real, then why be involved with Him? Salvation becomes meaningless and my longing for connection to something greater remains unfulfilled. If God is vengeful, again I have no point in pursuing him. I'm damned before I begin. I am but a plaything that can be tossed away at a whim. But if I am known and loved before I even recognized Him or lifted a single finger to act on His behalf? That makes all the difference in the world. That makes me important and satisfies all my deepest desires. And really, why waste my time with anything less?

I want so long to connect with this again. I long for a simple faith in a powerful, but gracious God. I desire the comfort of a loving creator. But all I seem to find instead is an impotent God of my own creation.

So really my dilemma is less about finding God, as much as it's about reconciling my ability to believe that a creator - one that is wild and outside of my sphere of control -would spend so much effort to pursue and know me. It's plain stubbornness on my part. I'm just not willing to settle for a shallow faith that is based on doing good deeds and believing in a vague concept of God loving us. If I'm going to believe, then I need a full and rich understanding of what it means to be loved and cherished by a God who would be willing to come and stand beside me, both in life and in my place at judgment.

How much easier to walk into any situation if I'm with a "dad" who is not just "out there" but with me. I am empowered and given the confidence to pursue adventure without the fear of being alone. I'm secure in the knowledge that I am created for glory. And I am comforted continually by a never ending flow of grace and love.

But for now, I try not to dwell too deeply for fear of finding nothing where I sought comfort and being faced with a finite existence in an infinite universe.

To Be Known

2005-11-23T16:30:00.000-05:00

The human condition is such a strange one.

On one hand we want to be self-sufficient. We value those who can pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make a difference in the world around them.

But on the other hand, even the most powerful of us have a desire to be cared for. We want to know that someone appreciates us for who we are, not just for what we do.

No wonder the world is in such turmoil! With such competing goals working within us and against each other, there can be no outcome other than strife.

But the really funny thing is that though these forces work against each other, they really have the same desire at their root. Because at the center of each is the need be known.

I've been intrigued by this characteristically human dilemma in myself for some time. I long so much to be known and accepted by those around me, yet I throw up walls about my deeper self in favor of my efforts to distinguish myself among my peers. I want so much to be acclaimed for my noteworthy deeds, even if it means I have to sacrifice the truest desires of my heart. I am a walking example of the human condition.

So for me it's exquisitely poignant when someone shows a real knowledge of my inner self. It says more than any hug, kiss or present could that this other person has an understanding and appreciation of who I really am. After all, they went to the effort to surmount the walls around me and touch my soul. They must truly care! And the result is a meaningful connection that I can treasure.

But even here there is still something lacking. There is always an element of myself that is still hidden and walled off from others. Because no matter how empathetic an individual, they can't possibly know all of who I am. No one is so insightful that they could know me as completely as the secret part of my soul yearns to be known.

And it is from this need that man's desire to find God springs.

I admit, this stream of logic bothers me. After all, though it's logical to assume that God has formed this need in all of us to draw us toward him, it's just as logical to think that man has created God in order to fill this need. It is a conundrum, to say the least. And one that doesn't leave me comfortably trusting in my faith.

I guess that's why an event the other day affected me so much.

I'm plagued by two major spiritual conflicts of late. The first is that I long for a childlike faith again, but find myself unable to trust somethig so simple. The other is reconciling my scientific understanding of creation with a Biblical account that seems so ludicrous. (I'll have to devote another whole post to these topics!)

I've largely struggled with both of these in silence, really not feeling comfortable sharing them with others. So it was a bit of a surprise when a co-worker gave me two books out of the blue. One was on having a childlike faith. The other was wrestling with a biblical interpretation of creation.

Even with my many doubts, this really pushed the possibilities of coincidence. Maybe one book I could have blown off. Getting both, though, seemed impossibly unlikely. It seemed so intentional, despite my friend's ignorance of my struggles. And for the first time in many a day, I found myself confronted with the possibility that there might really be a power out there that not only knew every one of my inner desires, but also cared enough to reach out and touch those needs through the unknowingly kind gesture of a friend.

It's something less than a epiphany, I guess. But it is comforting to me to feel this kind of love once more. It seemed so real to me, which was a welcome change to the faking I find myself doing so much of the time just to get through the day. It felt like the real thing. And I have to admit that it's good to not have to long to be known for once, but rather rest in the assurance that I am already known. Now if I could only find the formula to keep such an assurance in my heart always!

Planting Gratitude

2005-11-18T23:03:00.000-05:00

In my family we have a very interesting tradition for the Thanksgiving holiday that I truly think is unique.

It all started two years ago. As the holiday approached, my wife asked my daughter and me to go search for an old branch so we could plant it in our house. She called it a "gratitude tree." And I thought she was absolutely crazy.

It seemed so silly to me. I was basically being asked to search for a dried out stick to plant in a pot of dirt in my living room. But over the years I've learned to trust my wife's ideas (with fits and starts at least). So just as many people bundle up and hit the lots in search for the perfect Christmas tree, we donned our warmest clothes and walked our street in search of an old branch that kind of looked like a tree.

Thankfully we didn't have far to go. After all, my daughter was only three at the time. A long trip would have meant carrying the branch and her back to the house. So before we reached the end of the block I found our first gratitude tree. And let me tell you, it was a sad sight.

The branch was as dry as dry can be. It was empty of all life and I could barely extract it for the pile it was in without losing its perfect shape in a cacophy of cracking twigs. But my daughter loved it and I knew it was what my wife had wanted. So I gently lifted it up and carried it back to the house, where my wife had prepared a large pot with potting soil.

I couldn't have felt more silly. It was just plain ludicrous to put this branch in my home. But there was something cathartic about it as well. It was kind of a beautiful idea. To take something at the end of its life and give it new life and meaning. To remember what it once was by using it to remember all the good things that had happened to us during that year. So I went with the idea and put it in a place of honor in the front room.

Over the next few weeks I was blown away by what this "tree" would become to me. My wife and daughter made leaves out of all different colors of construction paper, then invited everyone who came to our house to write down what they were grateful for and tie their leaves to our tree. And over the course of those few weeks that dried out twig became a living thing again for one last time. It became a thing of beauty that reminded us of the grace God had favored us with and the good things that were awaiting us in the coming year.

I think the most telling thing was when it came time to actually replace our gratitude tree with our Christmas tree. We just couldn't get rid of it and ended up moving this reminder of everything that was good in our lives into the dining room. And long after the Christmas tree was removed from our house that gratitude tree stood proudly in our home.

This is only our third year of performing this tradition, but it already feels like the holiday's wouldn't be complete without it. It truly is that special to us all.

So tomorrow we go to find our next gratitude tree. We'll all bundle up this time, get in the car and go to a park to search for the perfect branch. And once again we'll remember all the good things that God has done for us.

A Smug Feeling of Satisfaction

2005-11-18T01:15:00.000-05:00

Well, I did it.

I've played around with this idea for quite a while. Even loaded portable blogging software on my Treo. (Which is way cool, by the way.) But it took my wife wanting me to set one up for her prayer pilgrimage to break my inertia. After all, I could never show my face around my tech friend again if my near-techno-phobic-wife had a blog and I didn't.

So at last, I have a forum. At last a place to vent my opinions. But instead of revelling in the machiavellian power of it all, I find myself with little to say at first. So perhaps some explanations would be in order.

First, the name. It's actually the title of my latest completed work of unpublished fiction. But aside from that, it's also a fairly good explanation of the way I feel most days.

We are born through water. We are composed of water. We live in a world of mostly water. We are baptized in water. Water is the ultimate sign of life. It is the image of God's grace. It is the symbol of everything clean and pure. But as for me, I find myself struggling to stay afloat most of the time.

Sometimes it's just overwhelming to be surrounded by so much that is "liquid." Because the other side of the analogy is that water is ever moving and uncontrollable. Grasping at water leaves you with empty hands that only hold the residue of what you were reaching to find. Water can be both wild and calm, but either way it can overwhelm you and take you to unknowable depths. And though you be the best of swimmers, in the ocean that is life you'll always tire before reaching the shore. So the only chance for survival is to surrender to the whims of the waves.

Thus my struggle with knowing God.

To put my life in the hands of what I cannot see and simply discover where I come ashore seems so foolhardy. I want the control of my life. I want to know the meaning behind every seemingly random circumstance. It's a big ocean, after all. Why risk myself to possible folly?

But then I consider the tired swimmer and my thoughts are moved in the other direction. What's the true folly? Living a life that leads to no reward, or struggling endlessly against a force that is unchangeable and eternal?

I could go on, dear reader, but there's plenty of time for you to get to know me. Besides, I have to leave you with some reasons for coming back, don't I?

So allow me to leave you tonight with this thought: God's we create for ourselves are pleasant things that always give us exactly the peace we were looking for. But I have become dissatisfied and disillusioned by them. And now I find that I need to discover the true God out there, who is wild and untamed and who loves as fiercely as he judges. This is the God I long to know. And I won't settle for anything less.