To Be Known

The human condition is such a strange one.

On one hand we want to be self-sufficient. We value those who can pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make a difference in the world around them.

But on the other hand, even the most powerful of us have a desire to be cared for. We want to know that someone appreciates us for who we are, not just for what we do.

No wonder the world is in such turmoil! With such competing goals working within us and against each other, there can be no outcome other than strife.

But the really funny thing is that though these forces work against each other, they really have the same desire at their root. Because at the center of each is the need be known.

I've been intrigued by this characteristically human dilemma in myself for some time. I long so much to be known and accepted by those around me, yet I throw up walls about my deeper self in favor of my efforts to distinguish myself among my peers. I want so much to be acclaimed for my noteworthy deeds, even if it means I have to sacrifice the truest desires of my heart. I am a walking example of the human condition.

So for me it's exquisitely poignant when someone shows a real knowledge of my inner self. It says more than any hug, kiss or present could that this other person has an understanding and appreciation of who I really am. After all, they went to the effort to surmount the walls around me and touch my soul. They must truly care! And the result is a meaningful connection that I can treasure.

But even here there is still something lacking. There is always an element of myself that is still hidden and walled off from others. Because no matter how empathetic an individual, they can't possibly know all of who I am. No one is so insightful that they could know me as completely as the secret part of my soul yearns to be known.

And it is from this need that man's desire to find God springs.

I admit, this stream of logic bothers me. After all, though it's logical to assume that God has formed this need in all of us to draw us toward him, it's just as logical to think that man has created God in order to fill this need. It is a conundrum, to say the least. And one that doesn't leave me comfortably trusting in my faith.

I guess that's why an event the other day affected me so much.

I'm plagued by two major spiritual conflicts of late. The first is that I long for a childlike faith again, but find myself unable to trust somethig so simple. The other is reconciling my scientific understanding of creation with a Biblical account that seems so ludicrous. (I'll have to devote another whole post to these topics!)

I've largely struggled with both of these in silence, really not feeling comfortable sharing them with others. So it was a bit of a surprise when a co-worker gave me two books out of the blue. One was on having a childlike faith. The other was wrestling with a biblical interpretation of creation.

Even with my many doubts, this really pushed the possibilities of coincidence. Maybe one book I could have blown off. Getting both, though, seemed impossibly unlikely. It seemed so intentional, despite my friend's ignorance of my struggles. And for the first time in many a day, I found myself confronted with the possibility that there might really be a power out there that not only knew every one of my inner desires, but also cared enough to reach out and touch those needs through the unknowingly kind gesture of a friend.

It's something less than a epiphany, I guess. But it is comforting to me to feel this kind of love once more. It seemed so real to me, which was a welcome change to the faking I find myself doing so much of the time just to get through the day. It felt like the real thing. And I have to admit that it's good to not have to long to be known for once, but rather rest in the assurance that I am already known. Now if I could only find the formula to keep such an assurance in my heart always!